Crashing out and sweating bullets
I hate growing pains.
I hate to report that I’ve been crashing out for the past two weeks. My naive self didn’t think that this would happen to her, but the looming cloud over every post-grad’s head has finally come for me. And I thought I was immune! Those feelings aren’t for me! Crashing out is for all the other post-grad students trying to figure out their lives! I’m not included in that statistic!
Oh boy, was I wrong. Let me fill in the blanks a little bit:
I got an internship in New York at a French advertising agency as a strategist. It started 3 weeks ago. I love it. I hate 9-to-5s. It’s a real dichotomy when I enjoy the work so much, and yet I want to bang my head against a wall every time I leave work because I am so drained.
I moved to a city I’ve been wanting to live in since I was 5 years old. I am so happy. It is so hot. I want to go home. I want to see my family. I want to stop SWEATING every time I leave my apartment. I feel LONELY! And I know that all of this is just part of moving to New York, but I’m going to continue to moan about my grievances from this soapbox.
I broke up with my boyfriend. You don’t need any details. All you need to know is that I’m sad.
I’m pissed off and I’m sweating bullets and I’ve cried more than I’d like to admit — and yet I’m so happy to be in New York.
Lots of emotions for a girl trying to navigate this new world.
The root cause of these feelings is that I don’t think I have a good grasp on what I want to do with my life. I feel like I’m flailing a little bit, and I don’t particularly like this feeling.
I know what you’re going to say: Give it time! You only graduated 3 weeks ago! You’re 22! You have your whole life ahead of you! These feelings will pass!
And I know all of these things! I really do. I just don’t do well with waiting. I hate transition periods. I want the answers now. I want the community now. I want to know what I’m doing here. I feel like Veruca Salt in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory wanting everything RIGHT NOW.
I think I’ve said too much, so now let me tell you what I’m doing to claw my way out of this crash out:
Calling my friends on the phone
I love phone calls. My best friend Maya has started calling me at random times, and our phone call will last 4 minutes, and it’s the best 4 minutes ever. How lucky am I to have friends who will pick up the phone to check on me!
People watching at Tompkins Sq Park
I love people watching, and I ESPECIALLY love people watching at skate parks. So much is happening at one time, and I feel no need to distract myself with a screen. It’s the best.
Soft-serve ice cream
My friend MJ and I have gotten into a habit of getting ice cream and sitting in the park, and it’s the perfect summer activity. The firefighters tend to agree with us because I swear they’re getting ice cream every single night.
Attending protests
I find it helpful to direct this chaotic energy into something good, so I attended the No Kings protest last weekend, and I’ve never felt more patriotic. How cool is it to be surrounded by people dreaming of better leadership for our country!
Walking to work in the mornings
This is both a good and a bad thing — good because I have 45 minutes in the morning with just me and my thoughts…bad because I show up at the office looking haggard. My coworkers will simply have to cope! I have no plans of stopping my morning walks!
This is going to pass. I know it will. And if you’re crying, sweating, and questioning everything just as much as I am, call me and we can crash out together.
you got this ❤️